Good Intentions – Unexpected Results: The Impact of Bill C-18

We have all been warned, “be careful what you wish for!” I can think of many personal intentions that I have set which have backfired. This is not to suggest that I have lost my belief in intentionality, for I have not. I have simply learned to be as specific as possible while still allowing the Universe to open up options.

In this vein, when the federal government conceived Bill C-18, their intention was to protect Canadian media. Platforms such as Google, Meta (Facebook and Instagram) and other social media were accessing news stories from Canadian sources but not reimbursing the source in any way. As Canadian media consumers, this benefits us as we have access to many news stories we might not otherwise see. The Canadian media giants however, viewed it as lost revenue.

The Bill, which came into law as of June 2023, has had a few wrinkles to say the least. The first was evident on August 1, 2023 when Meta ceased to publish any Canadian news on its platform. I learned this first hand. As a regular columnist for the Seeker, our local monthly dose of Positive News, I regularly share my column on Facebook.  When I proceeded to do so in August, my post was shut down as it was considered news. Initially I thought perhaps there was something in my post that offended the Meta Gods only to fins out that my affiliation with the Seeker was the reason. I felt like ‘Big Brother’ had intervened.

I am not in a position to assess the effect Bill C-18 is having on large media outlets, which includes TV, radio, on-line and printed news sources. In fact, it may well be to their advantage as the lack of Canadian news on social media will drive traffic to their website. Be aware however, that this may mean that you pay for your news as many platforms charge for digital copies of their news. And if you happen to be CTV or CBC news, The Globe and Mail or The Montreal Gazette, of any other media outlet of significant size, the impact of the bill may well drive traffic to your website and increase revenues.

But this is not the whole story. What about the small city/town papers who have been struggling and who rely on social media to stay afloat. Julia Lucio, co-editor of the Seeker, reports that 70% of their traffic comes through Facebook. Imagine that over one 24-hour span, from July 31^st to August 1^st, 70% of your viewers simply disappear. This can be a death noll for any small publisher.

The Seeker is not alone. Any small publication across Canada is similarly affected. Locally the Glengarry News, which recently announced that I was shutting down, the Seaway News, and Standard Freeholder, and probably others are experiencing a similar impact. If Google follows in January, we will see the disappearance of most of our local news sources.

You may say, oh well, that was bound to happen sooner or later. Simply remember this, the big media outlets do not report on local events, births and deaths, social functions, fundraisers, and more. It leaves small communities in an information vacuum and it will affect you one way or another.

What Can We Do

You are probably thinking, this is not a very positive column for our monthly dose of positive news. So let’s turn the table a bit and examine what positive actions we as a community can embrace to support The Seeker and continue the legacy of positive news. Here are my suggestions:

1. Visit the website, TheSeeker.ca, bookmark it, and go on-line regularly to read the articles and check out your favorite columnists.
2. Subscribe to the Seeker mailing list, if you have not already done so.
3. Join the Facebook Group, the Seeker Community Page.
4. Promote the magazine among your friends and family
5. If you have a favorite columnist, share their column to your friends, post on social media.
6. Set intentions with us for the success of local businesses, The Seeker included. The Seeker has been around for 10 years; together let us imagine it here for another 10 or more, growing, thriving and reaching a broader audience with Positive news.

“The Seeker is a dynamic force within the Cornwall and S.D and G counties.
 It is a successful initiative promoting positive news throughout the region.
Each year it reaches more and more readers.
It is a thriving business and example of entrepreneurship”.

It Takes Courage and Resilience
I remember when Julia and Mai-Liis first approached me about writing in this new endeavor called The Seeker. While it has had a few different formats, the duo decided that we all had enough sources of negative news and what we really needed was an avenue to feature positive news.

We are surrounded with and traumatized by the many different sources of news. I frequently suggest that people turn off their TV’s, radio and other media sources so that their spirits can recover and heal. It is important to remember that most happenings in the world are well outside of our control. For your health and well-being, it is important to focus on the things that reside within your sphere of control: your actions, thoughts and deeds; the way you live in the world and the energy you radiate around you; what you carry in your heart and offer to others.

The Seeker is an example of two women making a choice to impact their community in an uplifting way. As Julia shared a couple days ago, this is a business that comes from the heart; it is not a money maker, it is a community service. Staying the course through a number of trials and tribulations had been a course of courage and resilience. This most recent assault is simply another hurdle, one which follows the mounting costs of publishing, the price of paper, COVID and its impact and more.

Final Thoughts
Though it is a challenging lesson for many people, I simply suggest that you remember that each of us has a role to play within our circle of influence. Who you chose to be on the inside is what you radiate on the outside.
As you rise each morning remind yourself that each new day is an opportunity to have an impact on your immediate world. Do so with love, kindness and compassion in your heart. If each of you approach life this way, the world changes, one person at a time.

Until Next Time;

Betty

Claiming Your Inner Writer

Claiming your Inner Writer

They say that everyone has a book inside them, a story to be told, a lesson to be taught or simply wisdom to be shared. I actually believe that. Each of us is unique and each of us experiences life differently. Whether your life has been challenging or not (I will leave you to define challenging), there is always something unique about what you see and experience and which begs to be recorded.

I began my journey as a writer 25 years ago, shortly after opening my company and beginning my entrepreneurial adventures. I can honestly say that on both counts, as a writer and entrepreneur, I had no real idea what I was doing, how to get started or where the journey would take me. It was something I simply knew I had to do.

The first step in becoming a writer is reading, prolifically. Well that was something I had always done. To begin my writer’s journey, I picked up a book called The Artists Way by Julia Cameron. In fact, this book is actually a course designed for those who are creatively inclined. While the course is designed to unfold over a few weeks, my personal journey unfolded over several months.

One of the important components of the Artists Way is ‘morning pages’, a practice which requires that you write everyday, three full pages, non-stop, in free flow thinking. That means you give little or no attention to grammar or punctuation, you simply download the words on paper. This was my first foray into writing on a regular and dedicated basis. I wrote those pages for more months than I can remember, three 8×10” size pages, filling several binders. A lot of it was drivel, some of it was not. There were many poems and memories and more. The important thing was and is the practice of putting words on the page. As Julia says:

….”the pages are a pathway to a strong and clear sense of self.”

Through Julia Cameron I discovered Natalie Goldberg, who teaches ‘free flow writing’. In fact it was Natalie’s work that inspired the idea of morning pages. 

During this same time I had been playing with the idea of writing a book by the title of roadSIGNS, based on a monthly newsletter I had begun sharing with a few close friends. The idea sprung to life of a remote road on the Isle of Skye in Scotland when Jim and I happened upon a sign which said ROAD LIABLE TO SUBSIDENCE.  We had no clue what the sign was telling us. Was it a warning or what? We also recognized that we are always driving roads and that rarely do we even see the signs, especially on routes that are familiar. I began to wonder, if life is a road, what signs am I missing? And roadSIGNS was born. And by the way, that sign on the isle of Skye means the road is prone to collapsing into the sea below. Oops!

Back to Natalie Goldberg. I could see the potential for a book in what I had begun to write and had no idea what steps to take to see this through. I signed up to study with Natalie and headed to Taos, New Mexico for a week long writing retreat with her. Natalie was a shock to my system. I thought she was going to teach me how to be a better writer and that when I signed up for this program, I would come away with a litany of helpful ideas on getting a book out there. Nope! First class:

“Ladies and gentlemen you are here to write. I am not here to teach you to write. The colour yellow, five minutes, go.”

Everyone bent their heads and pens began moving across pages. This went on for five days…a prompt was given ( the colour yellow), a time was assigned, anywhere from 5-30 minutes, in a variety of settings, in small and large groups. It was an intense soul baring week culminating with an invitation to read something you had written during the last evening. And while I did not learn how to write a book per se, I learned to be honest, authentic and to move beyond that inner voice that criticized my writing. I had the opportunity to listen to what others wrote, how they experienced the same prompt differently than me, their use of language. Truly an education, albeit a different experience than I had anticipated.

Returning home I was inspired and humbled, I continued writing my monthly newsletter. The number of subscribers grew. I was facilitating many programs. Participants asked me if I had a book they could read to continue their learning and personal journey. The impetus to bring my teachings and stories to life grew. And finally,  I decided I needed to dedicate time to pull together my words bringing to life two volumes, roadSIGNS- Travel Tips for Authentic Living and roadSIGNS 2 -Travel Tips to Higher Ground.

Back to where I began, I believe everyone has a book inside them. It may be memoir, biography, short stories, fiction or non-fiction. The fact is, the book represents your story. It need not be shared with anyone or it may reach a wide audience and have more influence than you can imagine. It may be both. Natalie taught us that some writing is personal, some is private. The distinction is that the personal, your experiences in life, can be shared should you choose to. Private belongs to you and you alone. I have plenty of both types of writing.

Claiming Your Inner Writer
I share my experience as a writer to encourage you. As Natalie said, ‘the only way to become a writer is to write’. I facilitate writing programs for our local library. People arrive with the same expectations I had in New Mexico. To my surprise they often arrive without pen and paper. I shake my head and using Natalie’s words explain that ‘you are here to write’. I explain the principles of writing practice: a prompt, a time frame, pen to paper, non-stop, no grammar or punctuation checking, simply words on the page. Read your words aloud. Share them. Repeat.

Canadian author Donna Morrissey shared:

“My grandfather always said, a life untold is a life unlived”.

I believe she meant that if we die with all our stories, memories and experiences inside of us, it is as if we did not exist.

All that to say, claim your writer. Express yourself. If you do not like to write, record your thoughts and perspectives. That is another writing tool. Most importantly, if you want to be a writer begin by dedicating time to writing on a daily basis. Morning pages, three pages a day, takes about 20 minutes. Turn off your devices and begin reading again. Savour a turn of phrase. Allow the words of others to inspire you. Use a phrase from a book as a writing prompt. Find others who wish to write and start a writer’s group. Use ‘Writing Down the Bones’ by Natalie Goldberg as a manual to get started. 

Most importantly know that your words are important; they are an authentic expression of who you are. 

Until next time

Betty HEALEY  

Women Supporting Women

Women Supporting Women

Let me begin by stating that it has been my experience that women are their own worse enemies. I mean this both as individuals and as a collective. While there are examples of women supporting women, cheering one another on, mentoring, coaching and more, my observations are that this is more the rarity than the norm.

I have dedicated the last five years of my career to supporting women, whether in leadership roles or simply being authentic and valuing themselves. Research on self-compassion, the work of Kristin Neff, tells us that women are much more critical of themselves than men, and that self-criticism feeds doubt and self-worth. In other words, we as women do not need glass ceilings, we create them for ourselves. In this sense, we are the most limiting variable in living the life we want to live.

And, in case we were not already hard on ourselves, along come other women who seem to relish the opportunity to pull others down. This the ‘crab in the bucket’ story.

“You don’t understand,” she replied,
“If there is one crab in the bucket it would surely crawl out very quickly.
However, when there are many crabs in the bucket,
if one tries to crawl up the side,
the others grab hold of it and pull it back down so that
 it will share the same fate as the rest of them.”

Women do not always want other women to stray from the pack. They want them to maintain status quo. We do not celebrate their success.

I realize I am sounding exceedingly negative here. I know many women have moved on and are now serving as the mentors and cheerleaders that we each need in our ball court. Case in point, Jamie Lee Curtis last week at the Golden Globe awards celebrating the win of her fellow actress Michelle Yoeh for her role in “Everything Everywhere All at Once.” Her excitement and joy were palpable as quoted on social media, not for her win, but for someone else’s.

I loved what came next in the article:
Ladies, this is your vibe for 2023. Hype. Other. Women. When she wins, fight the urge to question…
…who does she think she is?
…why is she getting attention?
…did she really deserve it
…is she really that good?
…what about me?

Guess what?

The world has sold you a lie. Her success DOES NOT detract from yours. Her wins DO NOT create your losses. Her joy can’t steal the joy that’s meant for you. De-condition and unlearn what you’ve been wired to think: that women are your competition. It’s a trap. Meant to distract us. And to keep us keeping each other down. Find your Jamie. Be her Jamie.

And herein lies the point I want to make: The success of other women DOES NOT detract from yours, in fac,t it enhances yours. If we as women want to rise, to BE more, to ACHIEVE more, we must stand together. United we are a force.

Where do we begin?

Intention
If I have learned anything through the years, when I have had plenty of detractors, I believe we start by knowing our intention, what gives us meaning, how do we want to impact the world. I had many women in my health care career accuse me of being too ambitious, to which I generally responded, ‘Thank You!’. I did not see ambition as a bad thing. It underlined my desire to learn, to grow professionally. It fed my curiosity. I was not looking for power and responsibility, I was searching for meaning and knowledge. I knew my intention and it was an internal driving force that powered my engine and help me rise above any criticism. It also spoke for my authentic being.

See Your Diamond
Know your worth. We are all worthy simply because we are. Over the last year I developed and launched a leadership program for female dermatologists. These highly educated, intelligent amazing women still did not see the value they added to the world. In almost every coaching conversation and workshop I facilitated the issue of self-worth came up. They recognized that this was a significant factor in limiting the responsibilities they assumed even though they understood that their male counterparts were no more gifted as physicians and professionals that they were. Frankly I was stunned because what I saw was their diamond, the unique essence of who they are and the difference they make. It begins simply with ‘I AM WORTHY’.

Self-Compassion

I am a Kristin Neff devotee. I highly recommend that all women read her book Fierce Self-Compassion. The essence of Self-Compassion is this:

1. Be your own best friend, treat yourself with all the kindness you would offer another and shift the critic’s voice to that of a coach
2. Know that you are not alone. That voice in your head is not yours and yours alone, every woman has a critic. This is our common humanity and if we understand this, we can step up for ourselves and support one another
3. Be mindful that the conversation in your head is driven by fear and ego; it is rarely the truth. It stems for old programming, often gifted to you by another. If the same life hiccups are framed in love, you get a different outcome. You learn, improve and move forward rather than getting stalled in a false belief of not being good enough.
4. Stand up for yourself. Speak up for what is rightfully yours. Take your ‘seat at the table’ without hesitation. Know your gifts and strengths and what you offer. As you do this, see yourself, you will also see others and cheer them on as well.
5. Develop your NO-How. Define your boundaries and fiercely protect them. Walk away when others are putting you down or criticizing you, especially when you know that what is exploding from their mouth is not about you.
6. Know your intentions and stand by them. Feed them, pay attention to what is crossing your path. Accept opportunities that make you curious and are within the boundaries of your intentions. Say NO to distractions. Surround yourself with women who support and coach you and others and do the same.
7. Polish your diamond. Learn that while others can see you and what you bring to your life and work, you must also see it. Practice self-acknowledgement, a gratitude practice where you thank your higher power for the gifts, strengths and tenacity which defines you.
8. Cheer for other women. It is time for us to stand together. Understand that the accomplishments and achievements of other women are a celebration of who we are as individuals and as a collective.
   
   

Final Thoughts
I have travelled the road with self-critics and self-coaches.  I have considered myself unworthy and I have exhibited the courage to stand up for myself and others. I have lived in the loneliness of self-doubt and bloomed in the support of other women. It is clear to me now, that women are more important to me than ever.

This does not dismiss the importance of men in any way and I am ingratitude for my best friend/husband and the male mentors in my life as well.

It is simply this, an invitation to open our arms to embrace other women, to celebrate them, to stand up for them, to raise our collective vibration to impact the world, a world which needs us.

It is time!

Yours in Love and Light, Betty

A New Year Begins

A New Year Begins

I occasionally remind myself that everyday is the beginning of a new year and yet, when the clock turns over at midnight on Dec. 31^st, and the world celebrates the beginning of a new calendar year, it is impossible not to acknowledge the significance. Here we are, almost two weeks into 2023.

Each year at this time I find it remarkable that another year has passed. A few weeks before the holiday break, Miriam, a young writer in our local writing group asked the ‘greyheads’ if we felt that time passed really quickly. I thought to myself that ‘surely this fifteen-year-old does not notice the speed at which time appears to pass, surely that is a function of aging’. Apparently not. She and her twelve-year-old sister were commiserating on how their fall semester had flashed by.

Admittedly time is different at this stage of my life. It passes quickly and it doesn’t. I have found that the speed of time is influenced by a couple of things. First is mindfully entering the day, with a few minutes of breathing, a short meditation and reminding myself what my intentions for the day are. Secondly, is being present to the events of the day as much as I can. This conscious awareness is work for me, as I have a mind that ventures to the future, anticipating what is coming up. The work however is important as without that presence, time does pass like a high velocity train. Finally, is a daily gratitude practice, which brings me back to my daily intentions, helps me recognize how they are manifesting, and keeps me in the awe of that day. Simple practices really, yet ones that significantly improve the quality of my life and slow time down a notch.

Returning to the new year, I admit that I love the wonder of it, the sense of a fresh start and a red carpet being rolled out before me, leading to a grand hall with no knowledge of what that hall holds for me. Because I set intentions versus goals, there are no explicit outcomes listed for my future, allowing curiosity free reign.

True to my taurean and ‘yellow sun’ soul, I am serious by nature. I have always been goal-oriented, somewhat driven, and a tad too focused. And yes, this has been a structure that has worked for me throughout my life.

 And let me say this, BORING!

As I am now in my 70’s, I am realizing that I no longer require structure. Instead, I need a new recipe with flexibility, spontaneity and levity as the three main ingredients. Admittedly I have been playing with and modifying this recipe for a while. I am thinking that for this unfolding year, a couple of significant tweaks may be in order. Hence some new and improved intentions to lead the way and open the energy.

With that in mind I have decided on the following intentions for the upcoming year:

1. I am ‘lightening up!
2. I am embracing the opportunities that this time in my life offers me.
3. I am open to new experiences and adventure.
   
   

It’s About Me!
When you make your life about you, and you share this idea with others, you open yourself for that criticism, ‘wow that is selfish!” It is laughable really, because who else could your life possibly be for if not yourself. Let me clarify, and indeed CLARITY is the issue.

At any point in your life four things are critically important:

1. Your Intentions: open-ended commitments to YOU that define what you want from life, how you wish to serve, who you choose to be.
2. Self-Compassion: an ability to become your own coach (versus critic), to be forgiving of yourself when mistakes are made, to be able to move on and learn, to understand that like everyone you are human, to be your own best friend, to forgive yourself. Whew!
3. Boundaries: a clear sense of your YES and NO’s, your priorities and desires, what energizes and drains you, what relationships infuse or deplete you, where you will put your foot down and draw the line.
4. Stepping-UPP: stepping into you Unlimited Potential and Power, believing in your strengths and gifts and bringing them into the world, taking your place, speaking up for yourself, recognizing the value you add and accepting the opportunities that come your way.

The Idea that ‘It’s About Me” stems from the years of ME FIRST work that I have done with clients, which refers to doing your work, clearing up your energy and creating an inner environment that allows you to attract the life you want, what you want to do and who you want to be in the world.

When the selfish word comes up, as it usually does, I propose that this is an act of selfness which is defines as ‘being of service to yourself first so as to leverage your ability to serve others/humanity, the earth’.

Final Thoughts
This might be a bit of a ramble as I “lighten-up”. Part of it is releasing the many structures and responsibilities I have long carried as an entrepreneur. Over the last few years I have gradually stepped away from my business, and this upcoming year will be no different. As I embrace my new found freedom and desire for adventure, I also need to be mindful of my YESes. This is true for all of us, making choices that support the lifestyle we want to inhabit. Choose well!

Creating an Intentional Year

I joined a few local folks for a December chat regarding ‘holiday stress’. Most seasonal stress is attributed to the pressure and expectations of Christmas. And for most of us the holiday season does provoke some type of anxiety.

Lurking under the surface of all this hubbub is another factor, the end of another year. It is a time for many folks to look back over the previous twelve months and assess the degree to which they did or did not accomplish what they had set the previous January as goals or resolutions.

We have learned that these goals and resolutions often fly off the tracks early in the new year. There are many reasons for that. Goals can be unrealistic, change in terms of their importance, be poorly timed, or simply be forgotten. So, before you set your goals/resolutions for 2023, you may wish to pause and consider what the intention behind these goals really is. It has been my experience that goals, while important, do not always reflect what you really want. More often they are created in response to a personal situation, the expectations of others or perhaps for your work/career.

Let’s take a step back and examine the field of intentionality.

Intentionality
It is best to understand that intentions reflect what you truly want and what would be an authentic expression of who you are. Without this, as with many goals, intentions are shallow and have no inherent meaning.

Unlike goals, intentions are not attached to a specific outcome. This is an absolutely essential ingredient. An intention begins with:

• What do I want?

Now this may seem simple and as you know, most people do not know what they want. They know what they do not want.

For example:

• I do not want to be sick
• I do not want to be disrespected by others/at work
• I do not want to be unhappy.

You get the picture. Now here is what is really important – energy follows what you give your attention to meaning that all of the above statements attract more of the same: sickness, unhappiness, disrespect. Instead, you want to focus on:

• I want to be healthy
• I want to be respected at work or within my family
• I want to be happy.

Having clarified your wants, you then shift to true intentionality, which is stated in the ‘I AM’ or an active verb, as if it is already happening:

• I AM healthy
• I AM respected at work or within my family
• I AM happy.

It is true that the I AM may not be believable initially, and this is where the magic happens, learning to see yourself in these states of health, happiness and respect and understanding that when you do, you create a field off energy that allows that to happen. You are not invested in how it happens, when it happens or where it happens.

We all know the common resolutions we usually state to kick off a new year: losing weight, quitting smoking, or joining a gym. It is challenging to escape when everyone around you is saying the same thing. Here is the real challenge. As stated above examine the real intention or motive. Generally, this is aspiring to be healthy. So rather than writing down the usual litany of new year’s resolution, embark on the path of intention. Here are the intentions:

I am healed, whole and healthy.
I am attracting choices that support me in a healthy life style.
I am my perfect healthy self every day.

Final Step
Setting your intentions is the most important step and, once set, it is important to the pay ATTENTION. Because you do not define a specific outcome for an intention, it is important to develop an attitude of curiosity and be mindful of what shows up. Always be prepared to be surprised. For example: You may have stepped into an intention for your health and then be offered an opportunity to register for an art program. This may be perfect for your emotional, creative or spiritual health.

Which brings us to the third step, being in NO TENSION, which essentially means being open to the possibilities. Here are the steps:

Set an Intention à Pay Attention à Be in No Tension

Closing Thoughts
I adopted intentions versus goals over 20 years ago and can truthfully attest to the power of living in an intentional field. The key is once setting them, believing them and making life choices which support them. All that said, I wish each of you an intentional year, living into your dreams and aspirations and fully embracing the life that you desire.

Reflections on Friendship

The pandemic years have given me a new perspective on friendship, the importance of friends and the circle. First let me explain.

Friendship
As an introvert, I see friendship as a deeper relationship than many do.  Friends are not mere acquaintances, or colleagues, or a neighbour. As in John O’Donohue’s words, friends for me are my Anam Cara, soul mates. It is a sacred relationship where two souls are twinned. I recognize that many people reserve the word soul mate for their life partner. My question, “are we limited to one soul mate or can our spirits be nourished by many?”

Each relationship has a different texture. There are nuances and multiple ways of interreacting. Regardless the foundation of friendship is love, an energy exchange, kindness and respect. That does not mean that you can’t challenge your friends or call them on a behaviours or a decision, it is simply that love, respect and kindness underlie everything.

The Circle
The circle represents equality. In friendship there is partnership. It has the following characteristics:

• Gratitude and heartfelt appreciation for the other person
• A sacred and safe space
• Listen and responding from your heart
• Room for silence and simply being present
• Truth telling and promise keeping
• Non-judgment
• Levity and Fun

Justifiably, if we all employed these circle parameters, there would be a lot less anger and conflict.

……..

I am not naïve and recognize fully that what I have defined as friendship is the ideal. Truth is friendship can be messy, especially, if you are like me and open your heart fully to others, curious about them, trusting and loyal to a fault. This has been and continues to be one of my fatal flaws.

Friendships come and go. While I embrace the adage that friends come in different packages, some destined for a reason, others for a season and some for a lifetime, the loss of friendship when it happens remains painful for me. There are many reasons for friendships to come to a halt. A move across the country and there have been a few in my lifetime. A new direction in your life and career or simply drifting apart because of different interests. All of these I understand and accept easily.

There are a few however which rip the seams of your heart apart, often the result of a misunderstanding, mis-communication, or any number of reasons that may or may not be resolvable. Yes, I have experienced these as well and when they happen, I have great difficulty moving on. I think this happens as there is no real closure to some friendships, they linger, they are painful, they take up a lot of real estate in your head and they beg to be understood.

Journalling, writing a letter to the person (sent or unsent), help. Where I have finally landed however is asking myself ‘what is this relationship teaching me?’

Learning for me changes everything. It objectifies something that up until now has been very subjective and leaves me with a lesson for continuing the journey. And when it comes to friendship there have been some important learnings. Here are a few:

1. Boundaries:
   I have not always been clear with people when they cross the line with me, whether that is to be disrespectful of me or others, gossip, unkind, dishonest. No friendship should diminish you of take your voice away. If anything, true friends should lift you up.
2. Voicing your Boundaries:
   It is one thing to have boundaries however, they must be clear to others as well as yourself. When they are crossed, you need to speak up. This is a challenge as using your voice in this way can also end a relationship. I also refer to this as Fierce Self-Compassion, which essentially means standing up for and protecting yourself.(More in another blog!)
3. Authenticity:
   As a young woman I admit I was desperate to make friends. I was one of those teenagers who never fit in, was sometimes bullied, and most certain peripheral to the ‘in-crowd’.
   As a young adult I occasionally behaved in ways that were unbecoming, untrue to myself, simply to garner attention and make friends. This was a flawed strategy in my adult world. I became known as someone I knew I was not.
   My best friend, my husband, was the one who called me on it and lovingly held up the mirror. Not only was I trying too hard to be someone I wasn’t, it did not enhance my popularity. I shifted, which was challenging, as others had come to expect me to behave in certain ways. Overtime, they came to know the real me. I felt appreciated for who I was. I gained new friends.
4. Clarity:
   Finally, know who you want to hang with. Again, as a young adult, I did not exercise a high level of discernment regarding who I was friends with. My then behaviours also attracted some undesirable results.
   For years I have taught Strategic Attraction, engaging the Law of Attraction Strategically in your life. Essentially this means being clear on who you want to share your life with. What are the qualities and characteristics of those whom you wish to attract as friends. Are they kind, respectful and honest, inspiring, engaging and encouraging, interesting, different from you in terms of life experience, willing to share and to listen, to exchange ideas, curious, fun, what?

Three months ago, we shared a lovely dinner with my sister-in-law Anna. One of the reasons it was special is that we had a quiet time together with her to simply catch up and to ‘see’ one another. In a family of five siblings, where most occasions are shared with a host of other people, one to one time is rare.

One of the things we discussed was living into retirement. Anna shared that she had decided that the ensuing years she wanted to be more curious about humanity and to be open to meeting new people. As an introvert, she understood that she would have to find new ways of creating opportunities. The final point was that she was also open to new friendships when the attraction was there.

I have reflected on this conversation and find myself considering a similar intention. Certainly, during the past two years, opportunities have been limited. This is changing and I believe Anna may be right. I am considering, with an element of curiosity, stretching my wings and creating opportunities to meet people and be open to new friendships. And with experience tucked into my belt, a few guidelines in place, I am looking forward to the adventure.

Final Thoughts
Over my lifetime, many of my friends have been like family. I cannot imagine my life’s journey without them. Along the way a few have disappeared. This is I believe unavoidable. Others have been there for the long haul like my former neighbour Sue with whom I have been friends for 50+ years. Some friendships have simply faded away, others have ended abruptly.

Regardless, I value friendship and how it has helped me see myself, learn and grow, and evolve. As I move continue on my path, I am looking forward to meeting new people and forging new friendships. I vow to be curious. I will remain open-hearted. I will love and respect myself in the process allowing me to be generous with others and offer them the same. I will also be fierce and protect myself and those whom I care for. It promises to be an adventure.

I invite you to join me!

The GIFTS

Christmas is a challenging season for many people, especially those who have recently lost family members and are learning to celebrate in their absence. Of course the additional challenge is the stress created by commercialization and expectations. A flurry of Hallmark Christmas movies adds to the fantasy of family celebrations, Christmas tree lighting, community markets all in a background of a perfect little town and snow on command. Much of it is an illusion.

That said we all have choices when it comes to holiday preparation and celebration. It has been 20 years now since we exchanged gifts in our Healey family. With a growing number of nieces and nephews and an expanding Christmas budget, our siblings gathered in a post holiday conference one year and asked why we were doing this massif gift giving ritual. It was evident that the children were receiving more than they could appreciate and it was creating more stress than we needed. We also decided, that as a family, we could target our gift to charities, and for a couple years, to help our parents travel. We have never looked back and these days, years after the decision, Christmas is easy and we focus on quality family time.

While the pandemic interfered with this, two weeks ago we had our first family holiday reunion in 3 years. Special indeed.

On my side, the Hayes family, Christmas changed significantly for me when my mother passed away. Although many years have passed, it does not change the fact that I still miss her and our family times. I was 23 years old. She had raised me as a single parent for the ten previous years. Although I was newly married the tone and meaning of Christmas was inextricably altered.

Years later, when I became a writer, my mom was never far from my thoughts. Had we grown older together, I wondered what she would have wanted for me, gifted me. As I finished my second roadSIGNS book, I could feel her whispering to me and so I wrote to myself the letter I believed she would write to me if she were still alive. As my gift to you for the season, I would like to share this letter.

My Darling Daughter;

I have written this with great care for it is the legacy I leave behind and wish to offer you. These are the gifts I wish to offer you.

I give to you the Gift of Courage – an invitation to lead your life without fear; an invitation to pursue your dreams and live the life you choose free of the opinions and desires of others. It is an invitation to believe in yourself, never doubting that what you can conceive and believe you can achieve. Lastly it is an invitation to grab the brass ring of life and never let it go.

Secondly, I give you the Gift of Love – of love you will always have from me even though our journey together in this lifetime has come to an end; of love for yourself – perhaps the most important gift of all; of love for others which I encourage you to give often and freely; and of love for life and all that you touch during your time here on earth.

Daughter, I also give you the Gift of Grace – the joy of living full out, free of the burden of guilt, or blame or shame; an invitation to liveyour life forgiving yourself of all sins you believe you have committed against others while also releasing the sins you believe others have committed against you. Lastly the Gift of Grace allows you to see and celebrate the abundance in your life and to express gratitude for all of life’s magnificence.

And finally, my darling daughter, I give you the Gift of YOU – of recognizing your own beauty, your great gifts, and, perhaps most importantly, your flame, the spirit that burns deep within you.  Show this light to the world – this is the Gift of Authenticity.

Betty, will you do one thing for me? (And this is my last request of you). Live these gifts as I ask and as you travel through life, give these gifts freely to others; for you see my daughter, it is in the living and the giving that the true meaning of life resides.

Love Mom.

This season my friends, I endow upon you these same four gifts with the request that you also offer them to others, for you see there is nothing as miraculous as embracing courage, offering love, living in grace and joy, and celebrating ourselves. These are the true gifts, the ones we carry with us everyday, the ones that define us.

Wishing you a season of joy and gratitude. Until next time, next year….

Betty Healey

A Different View of Leadership

A Different View of Leadership

It is my personal view that many myths exist about leadership. First, most people assume that to be a leader you must be in a position of authority over people or things. This is false. What most people are describing is management and the accompanying responsibilities. Some managers are leaders, others are not. By my definition leadership is a way of being, versus management which is largely about doing.

The second falsehood is that leaders must be energetically large, often extraverted, commanding attention when they enter a room, possibly charismatic. From my experience leaders can be extraverts or introverts, loud or quiet in their energy, male or female, of any colour, race, size or shape. While many think of leaders as those loud voices consider Mahatma Gandhi or Mother Theresa, their quiet power and the leadership they modelled.

The third assumption is that leadership is a set of behaviors, attributes or qualities that one can assume, like donning a set of clothes, and having done so, are now a leader. Again, while modelling these qualities allows you to act like a leader, you may simply be acting. Your behavior may not be authentic for in reality you have changed nothing inwardly. You have not done any self-assessment or reflection, nor understood yourself and how you wish to lead. You may think you are showing up as a leader but many suspect that while you are walking your talk you are not really living it.

Having dispelled a couple myths, I would like to offer the following thesis. All of us are leaders. We begin by leading our own lives, taking responsibility for ourselves, being clear on how we choose to live and what we want, and living into these intentions. This is the ‘work’ of leadership.

Admittedly life would be easier if leadership were simply a suit that you could don each morning, wrapping yourself up in all the essential qualities of leadership and then simply showing up. Doing so is certainly a choice. And yet, leadership in this context does not guarantee your satisfaction. It becomes another role that you play in life, with its own set of responsibilities and expectations.

True leadership is an ‘inside-out job’, a position you assume based on who you are, your strengths and values, and your authenticity, an honest expression of who you are at the core. As stated above, leaders come in all shapes, sizes, genders and colours. Leaders can be extraverts or introverts, people focused or task-focused, big picture thinking or down to earth, driven by discipline or inspiration. There is no perfect prototype for a leader. Being a leader is how you have come to know and acknowledge yourself and express your true self in the world.

In the end, leadership begins with knowing who you are, embracing your authentic self and embracing a desire to learn and grow and to create environments where both you and others can thrive. It is an evolutionary journey.

Self-Leadership
One year ago, I accepted an opportunity to develop and facilitate a leadership program for female physicians working in dermatology. Admittedly, before this project came to me, I was swimming in an ocean of uncertainty wondering what I wanted to be involved in. Stepping into my own self-leadership,  I decided to set an intention that “I am inspired and engaged” with no concrete idea or definition of what that might look like. And then……

This has been the impetus for me to return to my study of leadership, more specifically women in leadership. And you might wonder, how are doctors leaders? Great question and yet we know that they need to be leaders with their patients and the staff that support them? This makes them effective clinicians. Finally, there is leadership within their profession, a larger question.

A Definition of Self-Leadership:

Leading your life, setting your course, following it and correcting it as you go.

Your choices reflect how you work with patients, colleagues and other leaders within your profession.

Amy Franko, May 2021

Building on the idea that Leadership is an ‘inside-out’ job, effective leadership begins with YOU, your relationship with yourself, knowing who you are and what you bring to the table, understanding your strengths, experience and wisdom, and most importantly, believing in yourself.

It is important to know your strengths so you can lean on your truth, work with your struggles, and eventually become someone who sponsors herself.

Joan Anderson, A Walk on the Beach

The Three Pillars of Self-Leadership
Embarking on a leadership journey requires courage. It begins with an introspective journey examining the following three areas:

1. What are my Intentions? What is it I want for myself and who do I want to BE as a leader? What is my purpose?
2. Am I able to support myself along the way through Self-Compassion, to develop more understanding of who I am without my critical voice debating my worthiness? Can I convert my self-critic into my self-coach?
3. Am I prepared to Step-UPP (into Unlimited Personal Power), to follow-up on the intentions I have set by paying attention to what is coming my way and following through with action? Am I prepared to take my seat at the table?

Simplicity
Leadership, like do many roles in life, is often made unnecessarily complex. I developing this model for what became “Ignite Your Inner Leader”, was viewed initially with skepticism by my ‘faculty’ of physicians. And when we discussed the model in more detail, these professional women began to realize that in their journey through medicine and residency had left them little time for reflection.

While they had a strong sense of purpose for their patients, they had forgotten the greater ‘raison d’etre’ of what it means to be a healer, a physician. The busyness of their practices had masked some of their enjoyment of being in medicine. They had lost sight of what they wanted and how they wanted to grow professionally and as a leader. Most importantly, female physicians are extraordinarily hard on themselves, and feeling torn between professional and family responsibilities.

All this background noise meant embracing simplicity is important albeit the personal work within this model is far from easy, it is deeper work.

More to come..
The year has come to and end, 70 physicians participated in the program. Personally, it was a life -changing experience. I will share more in the upcoming blogs…..

Reflections on Aging and Dementia

Reflections on Aging and Dementia

Ron and Dorothy Healey, October 2022

Meet Ron and Dorothy, soon to be 93 and 94 respectively and about to celebrate their 73^rd wedding anniversary. This has been a challenging week for my husband and I as Dorothy (mom to me) requires a level of personal care that her Senior’s Residence no longer provides. While we knew this day would arrive, her application for LTC was filed a year ago, this was the week when a bed became available and we packed her things in one suitcase and moved her to a new facility. For the first time in their marriage, these two will be living apart.

As both Ron and Dorothy have a significant degree of dementia, they both took it in stride, mom seeing it as an adventure, a beautiful drive, and an open-hearted acceptance that this was her new home. Dad seemed unperturbed and reassured when told he would be following her soon (which we hope is the truth). Jim and I on the other hand felt the full impact of the situation, guilt because we were separating them and a strong sense of abandonment as we left mom behind in her new facility ALONE. Tears were shed.

This is the reality of aging and living, as these two have, to a healthy old age where their bodies are strong yet their minds are addled. In the wake of the week, as part of my ‘writing practice’, I wrote the following:

Between the Bright Moments

A hint, a smirk, a sharp word, a long-forgotten memory shared, a pun, a nuance. Between these bright moments lies a desert. It is a daily challenge to expect very little, to understand that being lost in the corridors of dementia is not unpleasant. It is simply a different reality.

For the unaffected, the observer, it is agony. You reach for the person you knew trying to pull that back from where they now live. You ask yourself, “what do you talk about? How do you deal with the emptiness? How do you connect?”

That occasional bright moment is precious, cherished, appreciated; a spark in an otherwise dark night. The days they know your name are reassuring for when they forget who you are, it is hard not to feel forgotten.

This loss, this slow and insidious disappearance on one’s spirit continues even as the mind, the soul and the spirit continue to exist, even though the mind has been re-configured. It is one of the puzzles that continues to dupe the medical community.

Lost in space, travelers, soul seekers. It is said that dementia frees the spirit form its physical confines, allowing the spirit to wander and explore other planes and dimensions. I would dearly love to believe that; it would dampen the pain of loss.

So many in our family have disappeared from the conversation; no longer prepared to visit; no patience for the person left in the shadows of memory loss; forgetting the person they were. It is a living death for to these people the person before them has already died.

Yet they live.

Two days after mom’s move, dad was reassessed and placed on the priority list for spousal reunification. Imagine that such a concept even exists. Dad was however in good humor, no evidence of missing his life partner. This is the gift of dementia – the full impact of her absence eludes him.

As we carry on, now visiting two facilities instead of one, the responsibility for their care continues and increases. That said, our responsibility pales when one considers their dedication as parents of six children and grandparents to fourteen; their dedication to their church and community as volunteers and so much more.

Observing their decline and the impact their aging has had on us, I find it remarkable how easy it is to forget who these two people were, the impact they had on their family and their community. They were significant. They are significant. They are more than a shadow; they live.

Vision and Action

In 1997, as I launched my new consulting business roadSIGNS, I felt overwhelmed and just a bit lost. Having worked in health care all of my working life up until that point, I had no experience with running a business not to mention a start-up. There were no support groups such as Women Entrepreneurs. I was living in downtown Montreal, an Anglophone in a sea of French.

Despite my reservations, and a tinge of fear, I stepped forward. I knew my life had a deeper purpose. I understood that while health care had been my home for 25 years, I had outgrown the structures and boundaries the system imposed. I needed freedom to express myself, and I wanted to engage my experience, education and interests. Like many folks, I had a compelling vision pulling me forward. I wanted to influence the world of work in a positive, uplifting way. I had an intention yet I did not know how my vision would unfold nor what steps I needed to take to make it happen.

This is where many new businesses fail – a great idea, a sense of purpose, a vision. Despite these great intentions, you simply cannot simply sit with it and expect that by some miracle, it will take off.

Shortly after stepping into the entrepreneur’s life, and after consuming numerous business, leadership, and spiritual books, I came across the following quote by Joel Barker:

Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time.
Vision with action can change the world.

This was my OMG moment. I recognized that while my vision was strong, it lived only in my imagination. Vision, which is the essence of intentionality, needs to be fed if it is to come alive. It requires paying attention to your environment to assess where that vision might truly take off. It means saying yes to opportunities that appear, even when they make you feel uncomfortable. It means be constantly curious, learning, making mistakes and pulling yourself up by the bootstraps. It means acknowledging the actions you are taking and congratulating yourself for each success, whether this is small or great.

Stepping-UPP
Having learned this lesson over and over myself, for vision and action are a living, breathing entity, I began to recognize a phenomenon occurring with my clients. Many of them had declared their intentions but had no actions associated with them. We call them the Settlers. It is akin to the vision without action. These folks live in a dreamland.

Then there were those who were in action but had no sense of why they were doing what they were doing. They had no specific intentions, goals or purpose; they were simply on the move. We call them the Spinners.

There are others who have no sense of purpose or vision, no goals or intentions, and take no action. They allow life to happen and when asked what they want from life, often respond ‘whatever’. Either they do not feel they have the capacity or power to change or they simply prefer to rest idly by. We call them the Settlers.

Finally, there are those who truly embody the best of clarity (vision and purpose) along with action. You see them in the world taking it by storm, often with a ferocity of passion that you can feel in their presence. You know they have a vision; they are clear regarding their intentions, they have set goals and they are taking steps everyday to further the action. We call this Stepping-UPP. UPP is defined as Unlimited Personal Power and Unlimited Personal Potential.

Our version of Vision and Action looks like this:

Clarity + Action = Unlimited Personal Power.

This has and continues to be our formula for success, be that personal or professional, and one which we offer our coaching clients.

Clarity
When we refer to Clarity, we mean knowing what you want, whether that has to do with you career or simply life in general. Most people do not know what they want, they know what they do not want. You hear it in everyday conversations, “I don’t want ….”. When the ‘do not wants’ are the focus of your conversation, you will attract more of that. As we sat, energy flows where your attention goes.

The solution, change the conversation. If you don’t want to be bored or under appreciated in your work, what do you want? Perhaps it is that you want to be engaged and appreciated for the contributions you make. This needs to be your focus. Taking your wants and turning them into an intention is the next step: I am engaged and I am appreciated. While you may not fully believe this at the get go, the ‘I AM’ energy is a powerful intentional force.

Action
In actions we look at Attractive Actions and Dazzling Distractions. Attractive actions are those activities which are aligned with your intentions, which move you toward what you want. Dazzling distractions are the shiny objects that appear along the way, that pull you off course and which interfere with achieving your desires. Distractions often come in the form of people who ask you to take care of something for them, who make fun of your intentions or do not support you, who make you question your worth.

The key is staying the course, knowing your boundaries and learning to say NO, living your intentions and paying attention to what is showing up that support them.

Sounds simple. Not always. And when you are clear about what you want and you take actions that support these desires, you are Stepping-UPP. Enjoy the ride.

Until Next Time,
Betty Healey